Everyone dies. When you ‘go’, don’t you want to ‘go’ in STYL3? You must consider your cla55y vessel.

Conventionally, humans have opted for burial in casket or cremation + urn.

Here we discuss the top classiest vessels for your ashes to be held in.

What you need, to remain classy post-life, is a classy vessel. One that says ‘hey world, I LIVED’. One that your relatives can show off to your friends and say ‘yeah, I knew that guy’. One that passers by stare at and say ‘who WAS that person?’.

Of course, a little intrigue and mystery goes a long way. Which is why THIS will always be the ultimate cla55y vessel:

This classy vessel proves you were a classy fashionista in life, and will remain one in death. It gives a ‘down to earth’ vibe whilst maintaining a truly classy feel and texture.

NB: You may need to label these vessels with biro or felt tip if you have more than one classy dead relative.

[ABOVE: Idiots in a crowd]

How do you remain cla55y in a crowd?

Being in a crowd implies:

1. That you ‘follow’ the ‘herd’

2. That you are not classy

Having the above things implied about you is enough to damage anyone’s self esteem.

But fear not, there are steps and measures one can take to ensure that one stays Classy In A Crowd.

The easiest way to do this is to purchase laser tag equipment:

This not only shows you are more ‘cutting edge’ than the rest of the crowd, it also means you can shoot anyone who displeases you. This will not only embarrass them, it will also serve the ultimate purpose: making you look classy.

Are you lonely? Do other people let you down? What you need is an ‘Annabel’.

Annabel is the Cla55y fashion accessory that:

1. means you are never alone

2. have a second opinion on everything

3. shows you are W1LD.

What is Annabel, you ask? How do you achieve an Annabel?

The answer is simple: create a knot of hair in the back of your head. Her name is now Annabel. If you notice she is getting thin, use less conditioner. The bigger: the bolder. The bolder: the better. You’ll be able to tackle any business situation with confidence, and can consult with Annabel at any time for a second opinion.

If your Annabel gets out of hand you can either wear a headscarf or burn her - but don’t burn her too much (this is cruel).

Bright eyes: the ultimate in classy luminance. Do you feel like you are ‘always in the dark’? now you can give off sparks. Set the world on fire.

Do you find people just don’t “get” you? Do you find yourself unable to express your “emotions”? This cla55y accessory will not only boost your overall level of classiness, it will also solve your social awkwardness:

THE MOOD RING

Are you too shy to say how you feel? The mood ring will do that for you. Not only will it tell your peers how you’re feeling, it will also say “hey world, I am classy. And I want you to know how I feel. I am not afraid anymore”.

While most people will easily be able to interpret the mood ring, others may need more guidance. One cla55y way to show them how you feel is to print out this handy chart:

Have it laminated and carry it in a tupperware container. Noticing people staring at your mood ring? Do they look confused? If so, bust out this chart and casually hold it next to your mood ring. They’ll get what you’re feeling.

High heels are often worn by females or males wishing to display their height as a classy weapon. People wearing heels subscribe to believing the following graph:

Where the X axis denotes ‘height’ and the Y illustrates ‘classiness’.

There are many reasons why people believe height equates to class; tall people can reach higher, for one. Small people may seek assistance when reaching for objects placed higher than six feet from the ground. Seeking assistance is almost never classy.

Heels DO help the wearer achieve greater height, but often at a cost. Yes, it may be classy to be taller but it’s not classy to look like a buffoon while you walk or run.

A much classier alternative is to carry a small step ladder:

Carrying this to formal events will leave you towering above your competitors; a true classy beacon, you shine above.

Conventionally, a small purse or satchel is considered to be the classiest transportation vessel. By employing the use of large racksack you are turning that typical style on its head, and replacing it with something all together more practical AND classy.

A rucksack will provide the perfect location to place all of your not-in-use classy accessories and save them for later.

A rucksack also allows you a large blank canvas to advertise your classy and highbrow film taste.

May I suggest a Star Wars themed backpack?

It shows you a) have classy interests and b) are aware of sciences.

Q. When looking through photographs of the men and women deemed to be ‘fashionable’ what do you see?

A. Classy eyes. The ‘models’ always have their eyes in a classy pose.

To harness the power of ULTIMATE CLA55INESS you must unlock the ability to keep your eyes in a 100% classy pose 100% of the time.

There is a dangerously fine line between ‘classy eyes’ and ‘creepy eyes’, and the reason so many people are creepy is because they bullishly cross the line. Here are some t0p tips to keep your eyes in a permanently classy pose:

1. Point your eyes towards the ground, but tilt your head back. This will show that you are both proud AND humble.

2. Do a 3% squint. This is only a tiny squint but makes 90% difference in how classy you look.

3. Blink no more than once every two-three minutes. This will give you a powerful aura.

CLA55Y ACCESSORIES:

The Voodoo Doll

Voodoo dolls are a sophisticated, timeless and endlessly classy accessory that would suit any highbrow business person in any industry.

Carry it in your bag, purse, or right out in front of you. It shows you are bold and aren’t afraid to say ‘Hey, world - I am a deep thinker. I am classy. I know fashion. Do not mess with me’.

This charming accessory will let your competitors know you are T0UGH STUFF and they should bow down and accept your clear superiority, both in terms of intellectual depth and fashion.

Here is a recommended doll:

At first carrying this around with you may feel cumbersome, but you will soon grow accustomed to it. Your strength will increase and, once you start noticing the favourable affects of carrying this classy accessory around with you, you will not want to leave the house without it.

A cla55y and sophisticated accessory that should be ubiquitous in the purse of any well-to-do man or woman is ‘THE BUSINESS CARD’.

The business card is an important social tool and can be useful in many situations.

The business card:

1. Verifies you are who you say you are.

2. Shows you are a Very Important Person (VIP)

C. Reflects your personality.

Let’s explore these points further:

Say you are at a dinner party and you’ve forgotten to wear your classiest outfit. “I got this beret in Paris” someone gloats. NOW is the time to whip out your business card. Best to carry them in some sort of vessel to stop them getting bent.

Suggested vessel:

Even though you are not wearing your cla55iest outfit, you can still trump the beret wearing douchebag by springing forth some H0T business cards.

Be sure to include the following things on the card:

1. A photo of you

2. A link to a website containing photos of you wearing classy outfits

3. A photo of your face

When the beret douche returns home and checks out your website he will feel queasy about gloating when YOU are clearly the fashion superi0r.